I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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