I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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