WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
