In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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