Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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