Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
