mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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