Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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