I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
