On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
