I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
