when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
