I wish I only lived at night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You just missed an honest to god bukkake