you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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