Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
