apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
