for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
