how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
