I want to stick my p in your. b.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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