why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
