I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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