Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
