If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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