Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
