I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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