My underwear smells like fireworks.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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