so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
