I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
