I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
