i was born a porn star she said
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
