matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
