wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
