I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
