I didn't shave. On purpose
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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