I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
