Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
