he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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