You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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