I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
