fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
