I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
