Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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