I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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