Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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