It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
