On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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