I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
