I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
