Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
