it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sober January is a disaster.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
