"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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