News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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