I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
