If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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