I think my fart just growled at me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
