I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I did not marry a roomba.
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