So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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