It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
