The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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